my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
