Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
