census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
