The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
