see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
