i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
