Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
