we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
