More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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