I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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