There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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