I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
