Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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