You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
