So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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