Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
