and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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