True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
