I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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