we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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