I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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