God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
