I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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