i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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