I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
