captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize