Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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