a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
