I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
