Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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