you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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