dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize