im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
