NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
