FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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