I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
