Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
