She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
