I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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