The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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