once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
They took my balls.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
