Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
