Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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