Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
