U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
