WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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