I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize