You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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