What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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