just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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