wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
