My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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