I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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