I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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