I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How does one acquire holy water?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
