party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
