oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
