I hope mine doesn't look like that
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize