well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
