Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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