every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
