I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
