My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
