I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
