It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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