Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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