he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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